NOTE: the following post is meant to be humorous and satirical. It does NOT reflect my actual feelings towards 98% of mums and only apples to a VERY specific type of 'Yummy Mummy'. Some people have taken it extremely personally when it was not aimed at them. If you are, or have been offended by it, I apologise and advise you not to read my blog in future. I'm not paid to write this, I do it in my extremely limited spare time. If it isn't your thing, go somewhere else...
Dear mothers of tiny singletons,
Well done on your ability to create life. You are only one of billions of woman that has managed this feat in history. Do have a little smile to yourself at how brilliant you are. When you were pregnant, I bet you really enjoyed wearing your burgeoning bump as a medal of your ability to have sex. Did you rub it tenderly every thirty seconds throughout the day? Did you thrust it out at every available opportunity to let the whole world know how clever you are? Did you play classical music to it and read to it?
I bet you had great fun choosing your buggy. Did your partner treat it like buying a new car? Did you go to one of the big baby shows and try out hundreds of different models before selecting the one that best fitted your expensive lifestyle? Cream covers to match your carpets? Adult cup holder for your morning latte? Extra wide wheels for added comfort and manoevreability? Rear facing seat so that you can smile tenderly down at your cherished, protected and never allowed to get grubby or muddy, perfect, angelic baby as you mooch around town waiting for your new chums from the NCT group to join you at the local café?
Well done you. Through the NCT group, you’ve made friends with people like you. You all have the same make of buggy (in different, yet complimentary colours, obviously), you all have the same parenting ideals and you hope you get little Amelie, Olivia, Freddie and Jay into the same school so that you can share school runs.
Isn’t it annoying when, as you are trotting through town discussing the next coffee morning, two abreast, taking up 95% (47.5% each) of the pavement when someone (without a buggy, poor childless woman!) walks towards you in the opposite direction and looks to manoeuvre into the 5% of pavement you have generously donated to the rest of the world? Isn’t it annoying when the poor sad individual without a baby has to leap onto a small wall out of your way so that you don’t run over her foot with your lovely wide buggy? I bet that little tut and sigh you did felt really cathartic.
Well, it may surprise you to learn that the woman that so kindly leapt onto the wall out of your way (because travelling in single file with your buggies would just be silly, wouldn’t it?) has children of her own. Twins, in fact. Her body very cleverly got one egg and divided it into two. Isn’t that amazing? She and her partner chose their buggy to be as practical as possible and chose the narrowest side-by-side on the market. That means that other people (even those with single buggies) can still use the pavement without difficulty.
She may not have her children with her today because they are at nursery while she works but she carries them with her wherever she goes. On the outside, with her winter coat, her laptop bag, handbag and nice shoes she may look like a typical office worker (perhaps like you were once) but she is also a mother. Don’t look at her like she’s something you just scraped off your boots. Sometimes she’s like you – only a bit cleverer and slightly more considerate, of course…
Those elderly ladies with those pesky shopping trollies that aren’t so good at steering? I bet they had babies too, once. The young girls who walk slowly along the pavement, texting and chatting to their gang of friends on their way home from school? They’ll be mums one day. That man in the suit probably wears a baby bjorn at weekends.
Next time you’re having a mummy meet, have a great time and travel to your destination in single file. The rest of the world will thank you for it.