Nothing and no-one can prepare you for having a baby. You can read all the books and listen to other people’s experiences but unless you’ve been through it, you have no concept of how bloody hard it can be.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I really struggled to start with. I remember sobbing on dh’s shoulder during a night feed about 10 days in, shrieking that I couldn’t cope, I wasn’t fit to be a mother, that the girls should be taken away as they deserved better and that this wasn’t what I wanted. On another occasion, again during another broken night I remember picking up a crying R and shouting ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!’ at her. It was simple, she wanted feeding but my addled brain was struggling to process this.
Things didn’t click for me until G developed a sniffle. Dh was doing the early shift at work that week so in order to get enough sleep, he was sleeping in the spare room and I was in charge of the girls. It was the first time that I had looked after them on my own and it was utterly terrifying. G’s sniffle meant that every time I laid her down to sleep, she would scream and struggle to breathe. I was constantly awake for three days and nights and each night got worse. I became a paranoid new mummy and took them both to the doctors. Once G had some saline solution she was fine and I finally felt that I had risen to the challenge.
Two people also made me realise that I had to get on with things. During the sobbing hysteria incident, dh pointed out that the twins weren’t going anywhere, we couldn’t simply return then to their owner and I was doing better than I thought. My Mum received a phone call from me at 7am after one of the sniffle nights practically begging her for help. At the time I thought she was being quite harsh by giving me the ‘It’s not all cute babies in lovely outfits swanning around at rugby matches and you have to accept that you life is all about the twins now so you have to get on with it’ speech but now I know that it was her way of making me pull myself together. Afterwards she admitted that it was hard for her to talk to me like that and that really she just wanted to get on a train and help me but I know I would have become too reliant on her and that would have been worse. Only I could get myself through it and I’m proud that I did.
I also thank Babycentre for a much needed reality check. After a particularly bad night I found myself switching on the computer and logging on to BC at 5am. I tend to lurk more than I post but I regularly look at the twin boards. I know that many of the women who post there have had an incredibly difficult time with their babies. Many of them gave birth early (in some cases frighteningly early) and have been through nightmares that I can’t even begin to imagine involving ICU, SCBU, severe illnesses and other ongoing problems yet they remain largely positive, fun and friendly. One particular thread led me to look on the ‘Born too soon’ boards. I didn’t like to linger for long but I realised that many of the people there would love to be in the position I was in.
I’m so lucky. I had a moderately difficult pregnancy – severe sickness and exhaustion for the first 18 weeks and a kidney infection which landed me in hospital at 27 weeks – but nothing compared to what I was reading about. Also, the problems I had affected me rather than the babies. During the kidney infection, I was throwing my guts up and water started gushing all over the floor. I thought my waters had broken and although I was in agony, my first thought was ‘they aren’t ready yet’. It turned out that the water was urine and the girls were completely unaffected but I can’t begin to comprehend how I would have coped if it had been the real thing. In the end the girls arrived at 39 weeks and only because they were forcibly ejected! Although I was extremely uncomfortable during the last few weeks of my pregnancy they were better off where they were and I was lucky enough to have two healthy babies that I could take home pretty much straight away. It must be heartbreaking to leave hospital without your child but many of the women I was reading about had done and spent days, weeks and even months going to hospital every day to see their babies. Sometimes all they could do was ‘see’ their babies as they weren’t allowed to cuddle them very much, if at all.
I had my babies home with me, I could spend hours cuddling them and enjoying their early weeks and yet I was miserable. Reading the boards made me see that I was being a selfish, ungrateful cow for whom it had all come too easily and therefore didn’t appreciate what I had. I had done nothing differently to any of these women and it was sheer luck that my pregnancy progressed as far as it did.
I’m not saying that everything is perfect now. Life with twins is infinitely easier if there are two of you to share out the feeds and changes, but we manage. I actually like being on my own with the girls. The only time I get a bit frantic is feeding time but I love the challenge of meeting the needs of two babies and there is nothing more satisfying than the beaming smiles I’m treated to after a successful feed. If I’m ever feeling down or doubting myself I just remember that it could have been a lot worse and that I am so incredibly lucky.