I’ve had enough. This is too hard and I’m crap at it. I know that our journal entries are supposed to be witty and funny and we’re all supposed to be having a jolly old jape with this motherhood lark but frankly, it sucks.
Looking after twins is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Harder than my GCSEs, A-Levels, degrees, dissertations, driving tests and jobs put together. It is more soul destroying than the university interview that made me cry and the videoed job interview where I had to turn to the camera and beg a large multinational corporation for a job (I didn’t get it). It is more devastating than reading what my former boss wrote about me on my appraisal when I was 19 weeks pregnant.
Exams are hard but at least you’ve usually revised for them and done the course beforehand. If you’re having a hard time at work you can walk out the door at 5pm and go to the pub. There is no break, no respite from being a parent. There’s no senior manager that can take the slack when you’ve had enough. There’s no appraisal or bonus system. There’s no pay or rewards. It is relentless, sheer bloody hard work.
I keep waiting to wake up in March 2007 to find out that this has all been a surreal dream. What’s happened to me in the last year? I clearly lost my mind and decided that having baby would be the right thing to do. Having twins is a perfect example of how you should be careful what you wish for, isn’t it?
Look, I’m aware of how lovely and wonderful my girls must seem to outsiders and I’m sure that other people would love looking after them. However, I’ve finally found something I’m really rubbish at and it’s the one responsibility in life I can’t escape from or hand over to someone else. Ironic eh?