1. Afterpains. They are unbelievably painful, not the gentle little contracting movements I was imagining. I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach and they made me need the loo. I was bunged up thanks to the iron tablets, lovely.

2. Stretch marks. They fade a little, but never disappear completely. You know you’ll never wear a bikini again. Also, stretch marks on weird parts of the body, e.g. the tops of the thighs.

3. Bleeding. The consistency and the feeling of horror every time you go to the loo for a few days or in my case, for ten weeks.

4. Caesarean section overhang. Also known as a ‘tummy smile’. The overhand has now gone and my scar has faded and is (ahem) artfully hidden.

5. Tearing/cutting. This didn’t happen to me, but calling it an epistomy doesn’t make it sound any more pleasant.

6. The bellybutton. I used to have a bellybutton ring but took it out when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t planning to put it back in anyway (see no. 2), but I couldn’t now as I have a wrinkly mess where once there was a bellybutton.

7. Blacmange tummy. After the section, the surgeon removed the screen and pointed at my stomach. ‘Look! You’ve no stomach left. You’ll be skinny in no time.’ Me (staring at red wobbly mass): ‘Oh my God!’ It was the most hideous thing I had ever seen. It did go back (see no. 1) but ye godfathers it looked horrible at the time.

8. Poo. Yours and your baby’s. The amount of detailed conversations you’ll have with medical professionals about it after the birth.