6am – hellloooooo? Hellooooooo? Is anyone else awake? Ruuuuuuth? They may not have heard me. I’ll give it a couple of seconds and shout a bit louder. Nope, nothing. I guess I’d better crank up the Gracie-ometer and upgrade to a stage 4 grump.

6.50am – door opens – about blooming time. Quick! Pretend to be asleep. Oh, it’s Mummy. Daddy must be out. Never mind. Mummy mutters something about a banshee. I don’t know what that is so I ask her where Daddy is. She doesn’t look very impressed.

6.55am – nappy change. Whoa! The lights are so bright, man! Must hide my eyes. Mummy laughs and calls me a Wibbly Pig. Grown-ups are so weird. It must be a home day today because Mummy is in her pyjamas. Oh well.

7am – miiiiilk, yum! Chomp, chomp, slurp. Cor, this is good stuff. Oh no! Finished it. Hang on, I’d better let Mummy know. I’ll drop it on the floor. Ooh, I feel stuffed. Buuuuuuuurp. Ah, that’s better. Not quite sure what to do next so I’ll have a little wail. Just a little one, mind – I want to conserve my crying energy for later, if I need it.

7.15am – what am I wearing today? Oh, not too bad. At least these days she gets me dressed when we’re at home. For ages she was too lazy to dress us and we’d wear sleepsuits all day. Now I wear things in pretty colours with buttons. I love buttons almost as much as I love Daddy. I check my hair – looking good!

7.30am – playtime. Ruth and I get up to mischief while Mummy unloads the dishwasher and puts the washing machine on. Mummy does soooo much washing. I can’t think where it all comes from. Ruth and I are only little so we can’t be that dirty. Mummy and Daddy must roll around in mud a lot. I can hear a man’s voice. Daddy? Oh no it’s that silly old man Terry Wogan that Mummy likes, chuntering on.

7.45am – Mummy lifts me up and says I smell. Charming! Uh oh, nappy change. I decide to crawl off while Mummy is opening the cream. I can feel the air circulating around my bits. Quite nice! Suddenly, Mummy grabs me, puts me back on the mat and tries to distract me while she sorts the new nappy out. You’d think that after a year she’d be really quick but it takes at least 10 seconds. She’s so slow! Cheryl can change my nappy in 4 seconds at nursery.

8.30am – what’s that smell? Food? Ooh, toast today. Oh and here’s my water beaker. I’ll have a swig. Right, that’s enough. Oopsie. Dropped it on the floor. What’s next? Gawd, she’s on a go-slow today. I’ll fling the rest of my toast on the floor to hurry her up. Rice Krispies, yummy! They taste even better when I spit them back out of my mouth, smear them around my bib and the high chair tray and shovel them back in again.

9am – MORE PLAYTIME! Ruth has already crawled over to our toy boxes and is standing up pulling things out and chattering. I’d better go and join her. She’s muttering something about an assault on the kitchen cupboards this afternoon. I’d rather raid our socks and tights drawer but maybe we can do that after lunch.

10am – Mummy picks me up and says the N word. Just because I rubbed my face a bit about 10 minutes ago, she thinks I’m ready to go up to the dark place. She’s so stupid. I was just brushing the Rice Krispie crumbs out of my eyes.

10.05am – Ruth and I are both in our cots, bouncing up and down. It’s soooo funny. Oh no! Ruth is lying down. She’s gone quiet. I bet she’s sleeping. I’ll try and wake her up. RUUUUUTH! RUUUUUTH! HELLOOOOOOOO! How long can I keep this up?
10.25am – feeling a bit sleepy now, but I’m not telling anyone. I’ll just have a little cry instead. Mummy popped in to see me a little while ago and rubbed my tummy. I don’t know why she does this. I’m not a genie. Also, what’s with all the shushing?

11am – there’s Mummy again. I’ve only been asleep for about 4 minutes. If I feel a bit tired I can always have a bit of a wobbler later. Snack time! I’m starving. It’s at least five years since I last ate a morsel. I may fade away.

11.30am – walkies! Our buggy is soooo cool. Mummy wraps me up in a big coat and zips up the big sleeping bag on the buggy. She’s trapped my hands. I can’t wave at people now. She’s so rubbish. Ha! Free hands. Oh it’s a bit cold actually. I’m not going to tell Mummy this or she might stop playing the fun game where she stops wheeling us along and tucks me back in again. I bet we’re going to M&S. She’s so predictable.

12.30am – back home. I’m famished and starting to feel faint. Must be lunch time. I hate carrots, why does she make me have them? I’ll drop them on the floor. Whoopee, yogurts! I LOVE yogurts. I had the best dream the other night. The whole world was made of yogurt and I ate lots and lots of it.

1pm – playtime again. Ruth commences Operation Cupboard. I create a distraction over by the stairgate while she launches her assault on the kitchen. It works for a few seconds but Mummy works out what’s going on and we get put in our playpen. Mummy joins us and Ruth and I fight to sit on her lap. Ruth is playing with a really interesting toy so I have to steal it. Ruth starts to cry and Mummy puts on her annoyed face. I sit on Ruth to shut her up. Ruth pushes me off her lap. Mummy separates us and gives us different toys to play with. Ruth and I play the standing and cruising game. I’m not sure what cruising is so I just stand around holding on to things and letting go with one hand occasionally. Mummy claps and says nice things when I do this. I don’t know why. She must be very stupid.

2pm – another nap. I actually feel quite sleepy but I’m not telling Mummy that!

3pm – I have a rumbly tummy now. Belly belly belly! I could just eat a small snackette. Mummy must have read my mind. Mummy asks me where my head is. She’s so silly. She asks me this every day and it’s always in the same place.

3.30pm – the front door clicks. I peer around the dining room door. IT’S DADDY! I LOVE HIM! I sit on my knees, wave my arms in the air and put on my saddest face. He sweeps me into his arms with lots of kisses and big aaah cuddles.

4.30pm – I’m starving! I hope it’s tea-time soon. Tea is always fun because Mummy gives us finger foods to play with and I get really messy. I make the uh-oh noise over and over because Mummy and Daddy seem to like it. Apparently it reminds them of a song by a bouncy lady.

5pm – Guess what? It’s playtime again. Mummy has got the socks out for us to play with. Ruth and I get the changing mat out and we sit on it pretending that we’re in a boat. I put the socks I’m holding in my mouth and tell Daddy what I’m doing but the sound is a bit muffled. Daddy laughs and tells me I’m very special. I love my Daddy. He’s so nice to me.

5.45pm – I can hear water running. It must be bath time. I crawl into the bathroom and Ruth follows me. We stand up, holding on to the edge of the bath while Mummy puts the bubbly stuff in. Ruth throws her socks into the bath and cackles evilly. NAKED TIME! Brilliant! Mummy washes our hair. Ruth and I splash each other – it’s so much fun! Daddy moans about getting wet but I only splash him because I love him.

6pm – miiiiilk time! Yummy. Oh no, not the toothbrush! If I shut my mouth really tight they can’t brush my teeth. Mummy prises my mouth open. She’s so mean to me.

6.20pm – story time. Wonder what we’ll read tonight? Hopefully it’s the one with the piggy playing hide and seek with the flaps. I like that one. Oh no, Mummy has chosen a BORING one. I wish Uncle T was here. He’s so great at reading stories. Oooh, we’re getting another story. It’s the one with the Wibbly Pig, hurrah! Mummy isn’t so bad after all.

6.30pm – nappy check. So embarrassing! I don’t poo all the time, just a bit more when I’m growing teeth and when I’ve eaten quorn. My teeth hurt so much, especially the ones I haven’t grown yet. I don’t make any fuss about it at all though. I’m so brave.

6.35pm – bedtime. Mummy or Daddy zips me up in my lovely snuggly grobag and they both kiss me goodnight. I set my special alarm, which generates a random time for me to wake up in the night. I’m sure Mummy and Daddy will be very pleased to see me and I might even go in their room for cuddles if they’re lucky.

I’ll have a quick wail before I go to sleep.....Zzzzzzzzzzzz